Irish Stout Offense Explodes In 34-12 Victory

Kanata, ON — A sun-bathed Entrust Cryptographic Field was witness to an offensive explosion as the OFL’s top team, the redoubtable Irish Stout defeated their bitter rivals, the French Foreign Legion, 34-12.

The Legion perused the waiver wire in an attempt to bolster their roster, but made no personnel moves despite the fact that the Irish Stout were looking to unload the hefty contract of John “That’ll be 12 Guinesses this time” O’Connor to get under the salary cap. Instead, they went with the lineup of Peter “Scrambler” Arseneau, Carlos “Play The Zone” Nahas, Gerry “All World” Chartrand, Josh “Mad Dog” Lucas, and Eric “Les Mains” Nadeau. The Stout made a dramatic move before the game reminiscent of the 2007 New England Patriots’ signing of Randy Moss when they brought in the talented but sometimes unfocused Louis “Plus Vite” Aubin. Aubin had been consigned to the purgatory of injured reserve for the Legion and management had let his contract expire. As usual, Stout GM Paul McRae was ready to pounce and signed Aubin to a short term deal. The Stout squad consisted of McRae, Aubin, O’Connor, James “Pad My Stats” Muir, and Bevan “Where Are My Stats?” Watkiss. Once again, the Stout were without the services of Kirk Ireland, whose last manicure had gone horribly awry.

To open the game, the Stout received the ball at their 20, but could move no further than midfield. However, Legion QB Arseneau misfired on a pass that was intercepted by Muir. McRae wasted no time connecting with O’Connor for the TD and Aubin for the conversion to give the Stout a 7-0 lead. This was just a taste of things to come as Aubin took his performance to another level, picking off a pass and returning it for the touchdown, then catching the conversion throw. “Tabernosh, it be good to be ahead,” he exclaimed, “Chalice, I want to win one of these games!” The Legion scored on an Arseneau to Nahas completion to make the score 14-6, but Aubin was at it again, connecting with McRae on a long TD then throwing a conversion pass to Muir off a lateral. The score now stood at 21-6 and things were looking bleak for the Legion. “Sacrament, I love being on this team,” Aubin cried.

The teams swapped interceptions, then McRae hit Muir in the right corner of the endzone for a TD, followed by a conversion to Muir to run the score to 28-6. With time running out, the Legion were unable to mount a comeback and Aubin, for good measure, added a 3rd TD to his resume on a long bomb from McRae. Following a second McRae interception by Peter Arseneau, the Legion showed their mettle by driving down the field and hitting league scoring leader Chartrand for a TD to make the final score 34-12.

“I think the league should look into the Stout’s manipulation of the salary cap,” complained Nahas after the game, “How can they get so many great players?”

“Organizations win championships,” stated McRae at the post-game press conference. “That, and bribes!”

BOX SCORE
November 12, 2009
Irish Stout 34, French Foreign Legion 12

Passing
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Arseneau    2 TD, 4 INT
Aubin       1 PAT

Receiving
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Aubin       2 TD, 2 PAT
Muir        1 TD, 2 PAT
O'Connor    1 TD
Chartrand   1 TD
Nahas       1 TD

Defense
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Muir        2 INT
Aubin       2 INT (TD Return)
Nahas       1 INT
Arseneau    1 INT