BGP for sale!
Pablo Frank
Nov 20, 2002
After weeks of unflattering rumours, Pablo Frank
confirmed today that BGP is, in fact, for sale. “Something has got to be
done about the product that we’re putting on the field,” said Mr. Frank to
a sparsely attended news conference. “The reality is that unless we turn
things around, there’s a very good chance that we won’t make the playoffs!
And given that it’s a two-team league, you have to try really hard to not
make the playoffs”.
Since moving to a new domed stadium in Kanata, Ontario, BGP’s average
fan attendance has remained approximately 0. To make matters worse, BGP
has entered a 5 game losing skid that threatens to derail their dreams of
a Superbowl repeat. “Except for a controversial game 5 which, frankly, was
stolen by bad officiating, we have lost every single game because of our
inability to score!”
Frank, for his part, continues to blame his team’s poor offensive output
on a host of factors including a simmering quarterback controversy, a revolving
door of free agents, and the fact that wily Stack Owner Paul McRae
continues to “cherry-pick” BGP’s best players. “It’s worth noting that in
our only clear-cut victory so far this season, Sean Hope scored two touchdowns
and even picked off an errant McRae pass”. “McRae signed him the very next
week…”
Frank insists that what BGP needs is a fresh new owner, a new stadium,
and possibly even a new team name. “We need a name that will inspire fear
in our opponents. Something like the ‘Bengals’ or the ‘Detroit Lions’”.
Frank admits that the offers for the team have been less than stellar.
“So far, we’ve received an offer of ‘1 ball of lint’ from a homeless guy
near my house. I’m hoping to get him into a bidding war with the guy offering
half a bag of Doritos”.
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