Kanata, ON — On a beautiful early fall day, the Obfuscated Football League kicked off the 2011 season with a skirmish between the powerful league champion Irish Stout and the newly minted expansion team, Peter’s Pirates. The Stout’s imposing lineup included reigning league MVP Paul McRae at QB, Kirk ‘Moneybags’ Ireland, James ‘Smooth’ Muir, and Ron “Randy Moss” Burman. With Bevan “Hominid” Watkiss apparently prowling the woods attempting to frighten unwary hikers, the Stout rounded out the lineup with rookie Gary “Huff and Puff” Hoffe. Facing this football factory was grizzled veteran QB Peter Arseneau, who assembled a ragtag group of athletic players to challenge the Stout. Cutting a fine figure at tight end was Carlos “The Jackal” Nahas, joined by a bevy of fleet rookie receivers including Alfred “The Wanderer” Gideon, Tong “Tip Drill” Jia, Andrew “So Long” Sung, and Liang “Go Long” Yao.

The Pirates started with the ball, but failed to dent the Stout defense. On their first possession, McRae crossed up the Pirate defenders and sent rookie Hoffe into the right corner for a touchdown. As would be the case for most of the day, the Stout failed to convert, but nonetheless, led 6-0. On their next possession, Burman intercepted Arseneau, but Jia returned the favor as the Stout were driving for another touchdown. A third consecutive possession ended in a turnover as Muir intercepted Arseneau and, taking matters into his own hands, ran the ball back for a TD to put the Stout up 13-0, following a successful conversion to Ireland. “I don’t have to deal with McRae’s errant throws when I pick the ball off,” said Muir, “It is so much simpler when I do everything myself.”

The Stout continued to play tough defense and pile up the points as McRae hit TD throws to Burman (twice) and Ireland to make the score 31-0 before the Pirates, which threatened all day, finally cracked the goal line with a nice rainbow from Arseneau to Nahas followed by another laser to Nahas for the conversion. “If only Peter would throw to me on EVERY play, we would have a chance,” opined Nahas, “Clearly, I am much better than the rest of these scrubs.” Nahas was still crowing as McRae launched a bomb down the middle of the field that found a striding Muir for the final score of the game.

“Well, it was a little shaky out there early,” said Stout Head Coach McRae, “The lockout limited our offseason workouts, so were weren’t at peak efficiency in game 1. On the other hand, we weren’t exactly facing the ’85 Bears either, so it all worked out.”

“The ’85 Bears, eh?” sneered Arseneau when informed of McRae’s comments, “Well, I only saw one player that looked like William “The Refrigerator” Perry, and he wasn’t playing for us!”

BOX SCORE
September 21, 2011
Irish Stout 37, Peter's Pirates 7

Passing
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McRae      5 TD, 1 PAT, 1 INT
Arseneau   1 TD, 1 PAT, 2 INT

Receiving
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Burman     2 TD
Ireland    1 TD, 1 PAT
Nahas      1 TD, 1 PAT
Hoffe      1 TD
Muir       1 TD

Defense
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Muir       1 INT (TD ret)
Burman     1 INT
Jia        1 INT