Kanata, ON — Amid the slop and mud of legendary Entrust Cryptography Field, a group of bedraggled, soaked, and cold OFL players squared off for week 9. The Irish Stout fielded Paul “I Can’t Grip a Wet Ball” McRae, James “Pass the Stickum” Muir, Kirk “Mud Doesn’t Show on a Black Jersey” Ireland and Bevan “Mudder” Watkiss while the Co-Op Dragons loaded up with Carlos “Dirty Jackal” Nahas, Peter “Wet Rabbit” Arseneau, Jin “I’m Even Fast In the Mud” Kang and, reluctantly, William “Hell No, I Won’t Go” Jia.

As expected, the play was as lousy as the weather. Passes fluttered out the the quarterback’s hands and slipped through the waiting arms of receivers while the contestants generally splashed around in the mud to no avail. McRae managed to hit Ireland on a pass down the middle early to set up a throw to Watkiss, who plucked the prolate spheroid out of the air with a grace and agility seldom seen from the big tight end. The conversion attempt was intercepted by Arseneau as the pass looped toward Muir in the wind and the rain. Following an interception of Nahas on the goal line by Ireland, the Stout again marched down the field and scored when Watkiss ignored the treacherous footing and snagged a McRae throw for a touchdown and a 12-0 lead. “I wish all the games were played like this,” he exclaimed excitedly, “It turns out these exceptionally large feet are good in the mud!”

A Muir interception of Nahas blunted another Dragon drive and McRae hit Muir with a TD toss to make the score 18-0. At this point, Jia had seen enough and retreated to the drier confines of the locker room. “I’m not standing out here in the rain and cold to get scored on,” he lamented, “I’m holding out for more money! And besides, these are my best pair of pants!”

This resulted in a strange twist where McRae took over quarterbacking duties for the Dragons on their last possession and drove them down into scoring range only to have a TD pass bounce off the large mitts of Nahas in the closing seconds. “I wanted to score badly, ” said McRae, “It would have been like what Bum Phillips said of Don Shula, ‘He can take his team and beat yours, then take your team and beat his.'”

December 1, 2010
Irish Stout 18, Co-Op Dragons 0

McRae      3 TD, 1 INT
Nahas      2 INT

Watkiss    2 TD
Muir       1 TD

Ireland    1 INT
Muir       1 INT
Arseneau   1 INT