Kanata, ON — On a drizzly afternoon at historic Entrust Cryptography Field, the OFL’s 8-0 Irish Stout faced off against their bitter rivals, the 0-8 French Foreign Legion, in a contest that, on paper, rivaled the Thanksgiving Day offering of the NFL’s Green Bay Packers vs. Detroit Lions. At long last, flanker Ron “Randy Moss” Burman joined his Legion teammates. “My soul patch has come in perfectly and I have finished the final trimming,” he said, “Let’s play some football!” Paired with scoring sensation Gerry “Rice” Chartrand, the Legion now possessed possibly the most dangerous receiving tandem in their long, sad history. Joining them at kickoff were QB Peter “The Rabbit” Arseneau, John “Are you Sarah” O’Connor, and Josh “Tank” Lucas. The Stout lined up with Paul “The Mad Bomber” McRae, James “Smooth” Muir, Louis “Plus Vite” Aubin, and Bevan “Bigfoot” Watkiss. Noticeably missing from the Stout squad was All-World Kirk Ireland, who had sustained an ankle injury during his appearance on “Dancing With The Stars”. Stout GM McRae was not amused, as these kinds of activities were explicitly prohibited in his contract. “How was I supposed to know that Muir can’t jitterbug,” complained Ireland, “He was supposed to be the professional and I came right down on his foot!”

The Legion won the toss and took the ball, but their first possession ended in an Arseneau interception as Muir picked him off at the one yard line. Deep in their own territory, the Stout maneuvered out of the shadow of their own goal posts then McRae hit the home run with a long bomb to Aubin to make the early score 7-0. “My knee, she feel OK right now,” Aubin commented, “She always feel good in the endzone, oui!”

At this point, Carlos “The Jackal” Nahas arrived to play for the Legion squad. A mid-game trade saw Lucas moved to the Stout side for the duration. Despite these personnel shenanigans, the contest unfolded in a familiar pattern. Unable to score, the Legion punted to the Stout and McRae again connected with Aubin on a long pass for the TD, followed up with an Aubin PAT completion and a 13-0 lead. After this, the Legion defense started backpedaling before the Stout broke the huddle. The Legion offense continued to have problems, however, but a subsequent Stout drive was abruptly curtailed with a Chartrand interception of McRae in the Legion endzone. Arseneau then hit Burman with a deep pass to trim the deficit to 13-6. “No problem,” said Burman, “Scoring on these clowns is easy!”

The Stout retaliated with a long McRae pass to Muir over the outstretched arms of Nahas and suddenly it was 19-6. Coming right back was the Legion as Arseneau threw a pass that was tipped by the defending Muir but still caught by Chartrand in the back of the endzone. The score now stood at 19-12. The Stout, however, were not yet done scoring as McRae completed a TD to Watkiss and followed up with a conversion to Lucas for a 26-12 lead. On their next possession, the Stout showed a little razzle-dazzle as Aubin caught a lateral from McRae and launched a rainbow to Muir for a score to make the final 32-12, eerily similar to Green Bay’s 34-12 win over Detroit in that “other” league.

“Even Burman couldn’t save us,” opined Nahas after the game, “Maybe we need to team up Chartrand, Burman, and the REAL Randy Moss. Yeah, that’s the ticket!”

The 2009 OFL Season statistics can be seen here.

November 26, 2009
Irish Stout 32, French Foreign Legion 12

McRae       4 TD, 2 PAT, 1 INT
Arseneau    2 TD, 1 INT
Aubin       1 TD

Aubin       2 TD, 1 PAT
Muir        2 TD
Burman      1 TD
Chartrand   1 TD
Watkiss     1 TD
Lucas       1 PAT

Chartrand   1 INT
Muir        1 INT