September 2011


McRae Passes To Ireland For A Touchdown

Kanata, ON — While the OFL’s newest team, Peter’s Pirates, are improving, they were no match for the firepower of the Irish Stout on this drizzly fall afternoon at historic Entrust Cryptography Field. The Stout lineup was without Ron Burman, who was enjoying a glass of Zinfindel rather than braving the elements with his teammates and Gary Hoffe, who was saving himself for his figure skating competition later in the day. However, the team was bolstered by the return of big Bevan “Hominid” Watkiss, whose forest adventures had been captured on grainy film by several startled backpackers. Watkiss joined Paul “The Mad Bomber” McRae, James “Smooth” Muir, and Kirk “Flash” Ireland. The Pirates, meanwhile, lined up Peter “The Rabbit” Arseneau, Carlos “The Jackal” Nahas, Tong “Tip Drill” Jia, Andrew “So Long” Sung, and Liang “Go Long” Yao. Alfred “The Wanderer” Gideon had apparently taken his nickname too seriously and could not be found in time for kickoff.

The Stout struck quickly on their first possession, with McRae needing only two passes to notch a 6-0 lead with a touchdown to Ireland. A conversion to Watkiss made the score 7-0, but this was but a foreshadowing of the offensive deluge to follow. Six touchdown passes from McRae, two to each of his receivers tallied the majority of the points. With their flair for the razzle-dazzle play, McRae completed a pass to Muir, who lateraled to Ireland, who then proceeded to trot in for the score. “We still need to work on our conversion plays,” groused Stout Head Coach McRae, “We left some points out there.”

The Pirates were able to respond with TD throws from Arseneau to Yao and Jia, but it was not enough to overcome the prolific Stout offense. “We need to blitz the quarterback,” observed Nahas, “He has too much time back there — he won’t be so effective throwing on his back!”

In the end, the Pirates left the field defeated by a 45-12 score, but they vowed to be back. “We will beat these guys,” said a determined Arseneau in the locker room, “Even if we have to poison their Gatorade, we are going to get them this year!”

BOX SCORE
September 29, 2011
Irish Stout 45, Peter's Pirates 12

Passing
-------
McRae      6 TD, 2 PAT, 
Arseneau   2 TD, 1 INT
Watkiss    1 PAT

Receiving
---------
Muir       2 TD, 2 PAT
Watkiss    2 TD, 1 PAT
Ireland    2 TD
Jia        1 TD
Yao        1 TD

Rushing
-------
Ireland    1 TD

Defense
-------
Watkiss    1 INT

In one of the biggest upsets of this young NFL season, the Buffalo Bills overcame a 21-0 deficit at the hands of the division rival New England Patriots to win a thriller, 34-31. Keying the success of the Bills all season, and particularly in this game, has been former Harvard Crimson quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. Fitzpatrick overcame a shaky start to complete 27 of 40 passes for 369 yards and 2 touchdowns against the mighty Pats. The upstart Bills are now 3-0 and lead the AFC East after the Oakland Raiders shocked the New York Jets on the left coast.

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Lamar Miller of the Miami Hurricanes rushed 26 times for 184 yards against the Ohio State Buckeyes Saturday night as the ‘Canes knocked the Luckeyes out of the top 25 for the first time in 7 years. The 24-6 victory at Sun Life Stadium was impressive considering that Miami got little from the QB position. Restored to starting status after his suspension in game 1, Jacory Harris continued to throw interceptions and was largely ineffective. However, Miller consistently ripped off huge gains, including a 54-yarder, and kept the pressure on OSU.

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Kanata, ON — On a beautiful early fall day, the Obfuscated Football League kicked off the 2011 season with a skirmish between the powerful league champion Irish Stout and the newly minted expansion team, Peter’s Pirates. The Stout’s imposing lineup included reigning league MVP Paul McRae at QB, Kirk ‘Moneybags’ Ireland, James ‘Smooth’ Muir, and Ron “Randy Moss” Burman. With Bevan “Hominid” Watkiss apparently prowling the woods attempting to frighten unwary hikers, the Stout rounded out the lineup with rookie Gary “Huff and Puff” Hoffe. Facing this football factory was grizzled veteran QB Peter Arseneau, who assembled a ragtag group of athletic players to challenge the Stout. Cutting a fine figure at tight end was Carlos “The Jackal” Nahas, joined by a bevy of fleet rookie receivers including Alfred “The Wanderer” Gideon, Tong “Tip Drill” Jia, Andrew “So Long” Sung, and Liang “Go Long” Yao.

The Pirates started with the ball, but failed to dent the Stout defense. On their first possession, McRae crossed up the Pirate defenders and sent rookie Hoffe into the right corner for a touchdown. As would be the case for most of the day, the Stout failed to convert, but nonetheless, led 6-0. On their next possession, Burman intercepted Arseneau, but Jia returned the favor as the Stout were driving for another touchdown. A third consecutive possession ended in a turnover as Muir intercepted Arseneau and, taking matters into his own hands, ran the ball back for a TD to put the Stout up 13-0, following a successful conversion to Ireland. “I don’t have to deal with McRae’s errant throws when I pick the ball off,” said Muir, “It is so much simpler when I do everything myself.”

The Stout continued to play tough defense and pile up the points as McRae hit TD throws to Burman (twice) and Ireland to make the score 31-0 before the Pirates, which threatened all day, finally cracked the goal line with a nice rainbow from Arseneau to Nahas followed by another laser to Nahas for the conversion. “If only Peter would throw to me on EVERY play, we would have a chance,” opined Nahas, “Clearly, I am much better than the rest of these scrubs.” Nahas was still crowing as McRae launched a bomb down the middle of the field that found a striding Muir for the final score of the game.

“Well, it was a little shaky out there early,” said Stout Head Coach McRae, “The lockout limited our offseason workouts, so were weren’t at peak efficiency in game 1. On the other hand, we weren’t exactly facing the ’85 Bears either, so it all worked out.”

“The ’85 Bears, eh?” sneered Arseneau when informed of McRae’s comments, “Well, I only saw one player that looked like William “The Refrigerator” Perry, and he wasn’t playing for us!”

BOX SCORE
September 21, 2011
Irish Stout 37, Peter's Pirates 7

Passing
-------
McRae      5 TD, 1 PAT, 1 INT
Arseneau   1 TD, 1 PAT, 2 INT

Receiving
---------
Burman     2 TD
Ireland    1 TD, 1 PAT
Nahas      1 TD, 1 PAT
Hoffe      1 TD
Muir       1 TD

Defense
-------
Muir       1 INT (TD ret)
Burman     1 INT
Jia        1 INT

In a repeat of last year’s exceptional performance, Denard Robinson once again broke the hearts of Notre Dame fans as he engineered a last second victory at The Big House. Playing at night in Ann Arbor for the first time, the Wolverines emerged victorious in a see-saw affair that saw Robinson throw for 338 yards and rush for 108 more while accounting for all 5 Michigan touchdowns.

Robinson connected on several big plays, as demonstrated by his 338 passing yards coming on just 11 completions. No completion was bigger than the 16 yard TD to Roy Roundtree with 2 seconds remaining that gave the Wolverines a 35-31 lead.

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