OFL 2011


Pirate QB Peter Arseneau

Kanata, ON — A dark, gloomy cloud settled over historic Entrust Cryptography Field as the 4-0 Irish Stout took on the 0-4 Peter’s Pirates after the OFL bye week. Rosters were depleted as the Stout were only able to round up their All-OFL QB, Paul “The Mad Bomber” McRae, who was suffering from a sore lower back, Kirk “Flash” Ireland, James “Smooth” Muir and Bevan “Hominid” Watkiss. The Pirates countered with Peter “The Rabbit” Arseneau and a trio of rookie receivers, Gary “Hamstring” Hoffe, Tong “Thumbs Together” Jia and Liang “Hang On” Yao. Despite knowing they were severely undermanned, the plucky Pirates decided to challenge the mighty Stout to a 4on4 matchup.

After failing to move the ball the Pirates punted and the Stout began what was to be an outstandingly efficient offensive performance by completing a pair of passes culminating in a touchdown from McRae to Muir. Watkiss secured the conversion on a comeback route and the Stout led 7-0. McRae continued his perfect day on the next two possessions, throwing touchdowns to Watkiss and Ireland before missing on a conversion to Muir, who caught the ball out of bounds. The 20-0 lead held as Watkiss intercepted Arseneau on the Stout 1 yard line. “Well, at least it wasn’t fourth down,” said McRae, “Bevan did a good job there.” “Oooga”, responded the happy Watkiss as he lined up at tight end.

Several dropped passes stunted Pirate drives and the Stout kept the pressure on with a pair of touchdown passes from McRae to Muir and a conversion from Watkiss to Muir on the reverse. On the final series, the Stout were backed up inside their 20 yard line and McRae uncorked a bomb for Ireland, who slipped past a racing Hoffe for the touchdown on the post pattern. Unfortunately, Hoffe’s hamstring gave out on the play and the game was called after the conversion pass to Muir.

At the conclusion of the game, Arseneau took exception to McRae’s hearty handshake. “What is he trying to do, show me up?”, he said through clenched teeth, “We’ll be ready next week — then I’ll do the handshaking.”

“I didn’t see the problem,” said McRae, “I learned everything I know from Jim Harbaugh.”


BOX SCORE
October 21, 2011
Irish Stout 41, Peter's Pirates 0

Passing
-------
McRae      6 TD, 4 PAT
Watkiss    1 PAT

Receiving
---------
Muir       3 TD, 2 PAT
Ireland    2 TD, 2 PAT
Watkiss    1 TD, 1 PAT

Defense
-------
Watkiss    1 INT

McRae Passes To Muir in OFL Action

Kanata, ON — It was a glorious day for football at legendary Entrust Crytography Field and a packed house watched a nearly flawless performance by the Irish Stout as they faced off against their nemesis, Peter’s Pirates, in exciting OFL action.

The Stout began the game with a short roster comprised of league leading passer Paul McRae, debonair Gary Hoffe, blindingly fast Kirk Ireland and the simply blind Ron Burman. The Pirates lined up with crafty Peter Arseneau under center, athletic Tong Jia, versatile Liang Yao, and the quiet, but intense, Andrew Sung.

The Stout started with the ball, but were unable to complete a pass and punted. Likewise, the Pirates failed to score and punted back to the Stout. At this point, the Stout squad was bolstered by the arrival of their set of big tight ends, Bevan Watkiss and James Muir. A mid-game deal sent Hoffe shuffling off to join the Pirates, who also welcomed offensive coordinator and all-around gadfly Carlos Nahas into the their huddle.

With their roster now complete, the Stout proceeded to score on a McRae to Ireland connection. With the PAT by Burman, the Stout led, 7-0. This was the start of 5 consecutive Stout possessions that ended in a score with the accompanying conversion, an offensive onslaught that few teams, let alone the expansion Pirates, could withstand. “It was like the ’99 Rams,” gasped Nahas, “McRae is just like a shorter, squatter version of Kurt Warner out there!”

Arseneau completed a bomb to Jia to make the score 14-6, but the Pirates were unable to dent the scoreboard further despite driving to the one yard line on a spectacular catch and run by Nahas. Nahas’s ensuing end-around was stuffed at the goal line by Muir. “I totally got the try,” screamed Nahas, who apparently forgot that this was touch football and not rugby. Yao barely missed a pass for a touchdown and a pair of Pirate drives ended with endzone interceptions by Burman and Ireland. The contest ended with the 3-0 Stout ahead 35-6.

“We made too many wrong mistakes,” said Arseneau to a confused press corps.

BOX SCORE
October 5, 2011
Irish Stout 35, Peter's Pirates 6

Passing
-------
McRae      5 TD, 5 PAT, 
Arseneau   1 TD, 2 INT

Receiving
---------
Burman   2 TD, 1 PAT
Muir       2 TD
Ireland    1 TD, 1 PAT
Jia        1 TD
Watkiss    3 PAT

Defense
-------
Ireland    1 INT
Watkiss    1 INT

McRae Passes To Ireland For A Touchdown

Kanata, ON — While the OFL’s newest team, Peter’s Pirates, are improving, they were no match for the firepower of the Irish Stout on this drizzly fall afternoon at historic Entrust Cryptography Field. The Stout lineup was without Ron Burman, who was enjoying a glass of Zinfindel rather than braving the elements with his teammates and Gary Hoffe, who was saving himself for his figure skating competition later in the day. However, the team was bolstered by the return of big Bevan “Hominid” Watkiss, whose forest adventures had been captured on grainy film by several startled backpackers. Watkiss joined Paul “The Mad Bomber” McRae, James “Smooth” Muir, and Kirk “Flash” Ireland. The Pirates, meanwhile, lined up Peter “The Rabbit” Arseneau, Carlos “The Jackal” Nahas, Tong “Tip Drill” Jia, Andrew “So Long” Sung, and Liang “Go Long” Yao. Alfred “The Wanderer” Gideon had apparently taken his nickname too seriously and could not be found in time for kickoff.

The Stout struck quickly on their first possession, with McRae needing only two passes to notch a 6-0 lead with a touchdown to Ireland. A conversion to Watkiss made the score 7-0, but this was but a foreshadowing of the offensive deluge to follow. Six touchdown passes from McRae, two to each of his receivers tallied the majority of the points. With their flair for the razzle-dazzle play, McRae completed a pass to Muir, who lateraled to Ireland, who then proceeded to trot in for the score. “We still need to work on our conversion plays,” groused Stout Head Coach McRae, “We left some points out there.”

The Pirates were able to respond with TD throws from Arseneau to Yao and Jia, but it was not enough to overcome the prolific Stout offense. “We need to blitz the quarterback,” observed Nahas, “He has too much time back there — he won’t be so effective throwing on his back!”

In the end, the Pirates left the field defeated by a 45-12 score, but they vowed to be back. “We will beat these guys,” said a determined Arseneau in the locker room, “Even if we have to poison their Gatorade, we are going to get them this year!”

BOX SCORE
September 29, 2011
Irish Stout 45, Peter's Pirates 12

Passing
-------
McRae      6 TD, 2 PAT, 
Arseneau   2 TD, 1 INT
Watkiss    1 PAT

Receiving
---------
Muir       2 TD, 2 PAT
Watkiss    2 TD, 1 PAT
Ireland    2 TD
Jia        1 TD
Yao        1 TD

Rushing
-------
Ireland    1 TD

Defense
-------
Watkiss    1 INT

Kanata, ON — On a beautiful early fall day, the Obfuscated Football League kicked off the 2011 season with a skirmish between the powerful league champion Irish Stout and the newly minted expansion team, Peter’s Pirates. The Stout’s imposing lineup included reigning league MVP Paul McRae at QB, Kirk ‘Moneybags’ Ireland, James ‘Smooth’ Muir, and Ron “Randy Moss” Burman. With Bevan “Hominid” Watkiss apparently prowling the woods attempting to frighten unwary hikers, the Stout rounded out the lineup with rookie Gary “Huff and Puff” Hoffe. Facing this football factory was grizzled veteran QB Peter Arseneau, who assembled a ragtag group of athletic players to challenge the Stout. Cutting a fine figure at tight end was Carlos “The Jackal” Nahas, joined by a bevy of fleet rookie receivers including Alfred “The Wanderer” Gideon, Tong “Tip Drill” Jia, Andrew “So Long” Sung, and Liang “Go Long” Yao.

The Pirates started with the ball, but failed to dent the Stout defense. On their first possession, McRae crossed up the Pirate defenders and sent rookie Hoffe into the right corner for a touchdown. As would be the case for most of the day, the Stout failed to convert, but nonetheless, led 6-0. On their next possession, Burman intercepted Arseneau, but Jia returned the favor as the Stout were driving for another touchdown. A third consecutive possession ended in a turnover as Muir intercepted Arseneau and, taking matters into his own hands, ran the ball back for a TD to put the Stout up 13-0, following a successful conversion to Ireland. “I don’t have to deal with McRae’s errant throws when I pick the ball off,” said Muir, “It is so much simpler when I do everything myself.”

The Stout continued to play tough defense and pile up the points as McRae hit TD throws to Burman (twice) and Ireland to make the score 31-0 before the Pirates, which threatened all day, finally cracked the goal line with a nice rainbow from Arseneau to Nahas followed by another laser to Nahas for the conversion. “If only Peter would throw to me on EVERY play, we would have a chance,” opined Nahas, “Clearly, I am much better than the rest of these scrubs.” Nahas was still crowing as McRae launched a bomb down the middle of the field that found a striding Muir for the final score of the game.

“Well, it was a little shaky out there early,” said Stout Head Coach McRae, “The lockout limited our offseason workouts, so were weren’t at peak efficiency in game 1. On the other hand, we weren’t exactly facing the ’85 Bears either, so it all worked out.”

“The ’85 Bears, eh?” sneered Arseneau when informed of McRae’s comments, “Well, I only saw one player that looked like William “The Refrigerator” Perry, and he wasn’t playing for us!”

BOX SCORE
September 21, 2011
Irish Stout 37, Peter's Pirates 7

Passing
-------
McRae      5 TD, 1 PAT, 1 INT
Arseneau   1 TD, 1 PAT, 2 INT

Receiving
---------
Burman     2 TD
Ireland    1 TD, 1 PAT
Nahas      1 TD, 1 PAT
Hoffe      1 TD
Muir       1 TD

Defense
-------
Muir       1 INT (TD ret)
Burman     1 INT
Jia        1 INT

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