OFL 2011

Kanata, ON — In a lavish luncheon at the Local Heroes in Bell’s Corners, the OFL wrapped up the 2011 season with its annual award ceremony. This year, voting was impartially calculated by Surveymonkey.com. As expected, many awards were captured by the 6-time OFL Champion Irish Stout squad, which went 7-1 against Peter’s Pirates, but the Pirates improved week after week and even ended the Stout’s long 38-game winning streak this season with a stunning 13-12 victory in week 5.

Foreign Player Of The Year

Andrew Sung Of Peter’s Pirates was the winner this year, not only for his performance on the field, but largely for the fact that he was the only non-Canadian citizen to play in the league this year. “I would like to thank my parents for conceiving and birthing me in Korea,” he said, “This is nearly as big an honor as intercepting that annoying Paul McRae in the end zone that one time.”

Rookie Of The Year

Liang Yao Of the Pirates took home the honors after a season in which he improved week to week and managed to intercept Irish Stout QB Paul McRae 3 times, including one returned for a touchdown. “I don’t know much about football, but it doesn’t take a 180 IQ like I have to figure out McRae is going to throw to Muir when the going gets tough,” he explained, “I would like to thank the league for this award, but I need to get back to my ground breaking research.”

Defensive Player Of The Year

For the first time, there was a 3-way tie for the Defensive Player award as James Muir, Bevan Watkiss, and Liang Yao were all honored with the award. “It’s about time,” said Stout safety Watkiss, “I’ve been in this league FOREVER and this is my first award!” Muir was his usual humble self commenting, “I would just like to thank the opposing QB’s for throwing those interceptions, without which I would not have been able to share this honor with such a prestigious group.” “Two awards?” exclaimed the Pirates’ Yao, “I did not know that these kinds of recognition even existed! I am very happy to accept on behalf of my teammates.”

Offensive Player Of The Year

There was little suspense here as the Stout’s James Muir, who led the league with 15 touchdowns, won the Offensive Player honors. “Well, I have to give props to my QB, Paul McRae, who managed to throw high, low, and to all points in between as I athletically snagged these touchdowns. Really, is it that hard to hit me in the hands?”

Most Valuable Player

For the sixth straight year, Stout QB Paul McRae led the league in touchdown passes with 43 in 8 games and took home the MVP trophy. “I must share this with my teammates, no one knows how important it is to stack their team as I do! I could not have done this without James, Kirk, Bevan, and Burms. But, of course, someone must place the ball perfectly in their hands to score those touchdowns! The ball doesn’t just magically get there on its own, y’know!”

Kanata, ON — The Irish Stout finished the 2011 OFL season as they started it — as champions. The 7-1 Stout overwhelmed their Superbowl opponents, Peter’s Pirates, posting a 47-13 victory that left no doubt as to which team deserved to hoist the trophy.

Playing the latest season game in OFL history, the Stout and Pirates lined up on a crisp early winter day on the frozen grass of historic Entrust Cryptography Field to decide the title. The Stout roster included legendary OFL standouts Paul “The Mad Bomber” McRae, James “Smooth” Muir, Kirk “Flash” Ireland, and Bevan “Hominid” Watkiss. The Pirates were without Andrew Sung, who was either suffering from the flu or had more sense than to show up for the slaughter that was to ensue as well as Carlos “The Jackal” Nahas, who was reportedly detained by Interpol. A late trade brought the dynamic Ron “Randy Moss” Burman and his acrobatic receiving skills to the lineup. Pirate regulars Peter “The Rabbit” Arseneau, Liang “Rabbit Ears” Yao, and Tong “Rabbit Hands” Jia rounded out the team.

Starting on offense, the Stout struck quickly as Watkiss scored on a catch and run and also snagged the conversion for a 7-0 lead. McRae and the Stout were just warming up, however, as 2 TD passes to Muir and TD to Ireland were sandwiched around a Muir interception. All the Stout receivers were Biletnikoff-like in their ability to grab footballs out of the air. “Who-nikoff?” questioned Watkiss.

Finally, the Pirates got on the board with a Burman TD to make the score 26-6, but Watkiss hauled in another McRae throw and trotted into the endzone. A Muir conversion boosted the Stout lead to 33-6, which Muir followed up with another fine catch for a TD on the ensuring possession. Showing a bit of trickeration, the McRae tossed the ball back to Ireland, who hit McRae in the left corner for the PAT over the outstretched arms of Arseneau.

Burman scored again on a pass from Arseneau with Yao converting to make the score 40-13, but McRae again found his big tight end Watkiss for a TD and concluded the OFL’s 2011 scoring with a toss to Ireland for the conversion.

“I think we need to check if Muir’s gloves are legal,” said an exasperated Arseneau in the runner-up’s lockerroom, “I mean, he caught everything in this postal code!”

McRae tied his own OFL record with 7 touchdown passes in a single game. “After Drew Brees threw 5 yesterday, I took it as a personal challenge,” said McRae, “I wasn’t going to be outdone by someone who went to Purdue, for cryin’ out loud.”

While the Pirates improved week after week and stunned the Stout, ending their 38-game winning streak, the Stout were an offensive machine during the 2011 season, averaging 37 points per game on the strength of 43 touchdown passes by McRae over the 8 game season. “I really have to credit our offensive coordinator for his great game plans and play calling,” effused McRae, “Oh, wait, _I_ am the offensive coordinator!”

The humble Irish Stout finished 7-1 while Peter’s Pirates wound up at 1-7.

December 19, 2011
Irish Stout 47, Peter's Pirates 13

McRae      7 TD, 4 PAT
Arseneau   2 TD, 1 PAT, 1 INT
Ireland    1 PAT

Watkiss    3 TD, 1 PAT
Muir       3 TD. 1 PAT
Burman     2 TD
Ireland    1 TD, 2 PAT 
McRae      1 PAT
Yao        1 PAT

Muir       1 INT

Kanata, ON — It was an unseasonably warm but gloomy day at historic Entrust Cryptography Field as the Irish Stout faced off against their bitter rivals, Peter’s Pirates. Both teams were without key players, the Stout were missing All-OFL slotback Kirk Ireland and the Pirates were without their rangy safety Carlos Nahas. The Stout still lined up multiple superstars led by their record-setting QB Paul McRae, lumbering tight end Bevan Watkiss, smooth striding end James Muir and lightening fast Ron Burman. The Pirates countered with seasoned QB Peter Arseneau and his trio of rookies, Liang Yao, Andrew Sung, and Tong Jia.

The game began in predictable fashion as the Stout scored quickly on a pass from McRae to the streaking Burman. “Hey, put your clothes back on!” screamed the assembled players, partially in jest. Watkiss followed this up with a catch for the PAT and just like that, it was 7-0 Stout. Then things entered the Twilight Zone. Uncharacteristically, McRae threw interceptions on consecutive drives, both deep in Pirate territory. However, despite the Stout opening the door a crack, the Pirates could not take advantage. McRae hit Watkiss at midfield on a crossing pattern and you could imagine the ghost of Roger Patterson recording the run as Watkiss sauntered into the endzone unmolested. A PAT to Muir boosted the Stout lead to 14-0. Muir scored another TD to increase the margin to 20-0 before the Pirates Hail Mary prayer was answered by Tong Jia, whose numerous short receptions were clearly a clever deception to draw in Burman so Arseneau could burn him on a long bomb, narrowing the gap to 20-6.

Watkiss again displayed some heretofore undiscovered athletic ability as he took another short pass on the sideline and tightroped into the endzone to make the score 26-6. Now late in the game, the Stout defense stopped the Pirates near the Pirate goal line as they were forced to gamble on fourth down. McRae drew up a play that was supposed to free up Watkiss on the right side, but Liang would have none of it, positioning himself between the passer and receiver. However, a high throw over Liang’s outstretched arms nestled into the waiting paws of Watkiss for the score as he came down right on the back line of the endzone. Not be deterred, Liang proceeded to intercept the PAT attempt, but it was too little, too late, as the final score ended up 32-6.

“I’m glad we showed we could win without Ireland,” said head coach McRae at the post-game press conference, “but we have to stop those interceptions! We need more Ken Dorsey and less Jacory Harris out there.” The assembled press corps immediately started googling on their phones to decipher the coach’s comments.

The Stout improved their record to 6-1 while the Pirates fell to 1-6.

November 16, 2011
Irish Stout 32, Peter's Pirates 6

McRae      5 TD, 2 PAT, 3 INT
Arseneau   1 TD

Watkiss    3 TD, 1 PAT
Muir       1 TD. 1 PAT
Burman     1 TD
Jia        1 TD

Yao        2 INT
Sung       1 INT

Kanata, ON — Fear not, the sun will rise in the east tomorrow as the Irish Stout returned to their winning ways after a monumental upset loss to Peter’s Pirates earlier this week. After delivering an effort on par with the 1968 New York Jets or the 2007 New York Giants, the Pirates faced the Stout for a second time this week. Following their bitter defeat, the Stout were in an ornery mood, but that did not prevent both teams from putting on an exciting display at legendary Entrust Cryptography Field.

The Stout were at full strength for this matchup, with their signal caller, Paul “The Increasingly Mad Bomber” McRae more or less fully recovered from his back injury, James “Bulletin Board Material” Muir, Kirk “They Only Lose When I Don’t Play” Ireland, Bevan “Throw It At My Head” Watkiss, and Ron “Polar Fleece” Burman all ready to play. The Pirates countered with Peter “Joe Namath” Arseneau, Carlos “David Tyree” Nahas, Andrew “Plaxico Burress” Sung, Tong “Don Maynard” Jia, and Liang “Johnny Sample” Yao.

After failing to score on their first possession, the Pirates turned the ball over to the Stout, who proceeded to execute a lightening fast hurry-up play to Burman for a quick 6-0 lead on a long throw from McRae. Nahas snuffed out the conversion attempt with an interception. After another scoreless Pirate drive, Muir scored on another McRae bomb for a 12-0 lead, which extended to 13-0 when Burman caught the PAT. “Oh, yeah, we’re bringing it,” said Muir, “I mean that in the most polite context possible.”

This would not become a Stout rout, however, as the plucky Pirates fought back. Arseneau passed to Nahas and converted to Sung to trim the Stout lead to 13-7. The Stout responded with a long Ireland TD to go ahead 19-7, but Nahas scored again to make it 19-13. The Stout were forced into their only punt of the day, but Ireland intercepted Arseneau on the goal line to set up a McRae to Burman connection and a 25-13 lead. Muir intercepted the Pirate pivot on the next possession and then hauled in a perfectly thrown McRae toss for a 31-13 lead, which became 32-13 after the Watkiss conversion.

Just when the Stout were asserting themselves and threatening to blow out the Pirates, Liang Yao intercepted McRae deep in the Pirate end of the field and scooted the length of the gridiron for touchdown to make the score 32-19. Not to be denied this day, McRae kept heaving long bombs at the Pirate defense with success, hitting Ireland in stride for a 38-19 lead. Despite time running out, Arseneau moved his team down the field and used his rookie slotbacks to score a TD to Sung and a PAT to Jia.

The contest now stood with the Stout ahead 38-26, but whatever flickering hope of another historic upset by the Pirates was extinguished by a Watkiss TD from McRae on the flag pattern. A Burman conversion on a nice dipsy doodle move ended the Stout scoring with them ahead 45-26. A late TD from Nahas and conversion by Sung made the final 45-33 in one of the highest scoring games in league history.

“Just win, baby!” said McRae, echoing the words of the late Al Davis. The Stout now lead the OFL at 5-1, while the Pirates are at 1-5.

November 4, 2011
Irish Stout 45 Peter's Pirates 33

McRae      7 TD, 3 PAT, 2 INT
Arseneau   4 TD, 3 PAT, 2 INT

Nahas      3 TD
Burman     2 TD, 2 PAT
Ireland    2 TD
Muir       2 TD
Sung       1 TD, 1 PAT
Watkiss    1 TD, 1 PAT
Jia        1 PAT

Yao        1 INT (TD ret)
Ireland    1 INT
Muir       1 INT
Nahas      1 INT

Kanata, ON — Something different was in the air today at Entrust Field when the new look Pirates hosted the Irish Stout. With ideal weather conditions, most thought it would be a high scoring game, especially since the Stout were an unstoppable juggernaut on offense the previous week. McRae remarked, “We completed every pass last week, except for one out-of-bounds, and James even caught that one.” Who ever expected the turn of events that would be witnessed today?

“We’ll win on Wednesday, I guarantee it!”, quipped Peter “Rabbit” Arseneau, the reserved but steadfast Pirate QB. Irish receiver James Muir replied, “Bring it on”, but would later wish he had not thrown down the gauntlet so, as his comments only enraged an already despondent Pirate team. “I’m gonna get these guys!”, said Carlos “the Jackal” Nahas, sporting his new Tom Brady jersey.

The Pirates took to the field knowing that Paul McRae was coming off a major back injury. Doctors suggested immediate back surgery but McRae instead chose to do extensive daily rehab and physio, especially the Guinness Stout lifts. Ron “Boomer” Burman, Kirk “How many interceptions can I get?” Ireland were AWOL, likely getting in some sun and a few holes at the Marshes Golf club before it closes for the winter. In an act of kindness, the Pirates loaned rookie wide receiver Tong Jia, to square up the sides.

The Pirates won the toss and choose to kick. McRae’s first pass was incomplete. “There goes the completion streak”, noted the grizzled field commander. But this was a sign of things to come, as the Pirate defence would bend but not break, applying a higher level of field coverage that surprised the Stout. Several Stout passes were too low, too deep, out of bounds. The Stout failed to score on their initial possession. “What’s going on??” shouted Muir.

The Pirates then took the ball, marched down the field and almost scored, missing on fourth and goal from the 1 yard line. “It was in my hands, but I wasn’t expecting a shovel pass [a la Brett Favre] “, lamented Andrew Sung. “No problem, I’ll make up for it later.”

Knowing that they had a real game on their hands, the Stout put together an impressive drive, finding Muir underneath, and eventually connecting with Jia in the endzone. “Why did we ever loan them Tong?”, asked running back Liang Yao. The extra point was missed. Uncharacteristically, both teams had trouble scoring the 1 point conversion.

On the next possession, the Pirates responded. After a short completion, Arseneau looked deep but nothing appeared to be open. And then McRae came charging! Refusing to be sacked, the Pirate QB ran for his life, to the left and charged for the end-zone. He cut right and then left again, bounding into the left corner The result was an unlikely running touchdown from midfield. “Why is he running the ball when he should be throwing me interceptions”, thought Bevan “Freight Train” Watkiss. The conversion was unsuccessful, again.

After another unsuccessful Stout offensive drive, the Pirates took over and went to work. On third and long, Arseneau looked deep but couldn’t find a receiver, so he threw the ball to Nahas underneath as he was cutting towards the sideline. With an extra burst of speed, Nahas zoomed around the defender, charged down field and lunged into the end-zone. It was the first Pirate lead of the day — of the year! Would it be enough? Knowing the value of the extra point, Arseneau hooked up with Sung in the right corner, making up for the earlier missed TD.

Desperate, with the clock proceeding to 1PM, the Irish Stout would not take it lying down (at least the players on the field). They put together one last drive, eventually finding “Bring it on” Muir for the touchdown. But the Pirates would not break. They held tough, forcing McRae to put up a desperation throw when he couldn’t find a receiver. It sailed over everyone. Though the Pirates had last possession and could have run up the score, they decided to run out the clock instead rubbing it in. “That’s not what they do in New England. We should do the proper thing and run out the clock.”, said Nahas as he pointed to his Tom Brady Patriot jersey. BTW, did you ever notice that patriot almost rhymes with pirate, and they even start with the same letter?

It was time to celebrate for the Pirates. “I’m speechless”, said Nahas, when asked about scoring the winning TD, “I’ve never felt this way before!” The stunning victory ends the Irish Stout winning streak at an incredible 38 games and ushers in a new, competitive era of OFL action. The Irish Stout are now 4-1 while Peter’s Pirates climb to 1-4.

November 2, 2011
Peter's Pirates 13, Irish Stout 12

Arseneau   2 TD, 1 PAT
McRae      2 TD

Muir       1 TD
Jia        1 TD
Nahas      1 TD
Sung       1 PAT

Arseneau   1 TD

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