OFL 2010


The Obfuscated Football League wrapped up the 2010 season with a gala lunch held at CCJ’s Steakhouse and the 2010 OFL awards were presented in a lavish ceremony. The voting was virtually unanimous in every category except Defensive Player of the Year, which was decided by a single vote!

Most Valuable PlayerPaul McRae
“I can’t believe I won again!” screamed the typically humble signal-caller, “Of course, I bring the balls, the cones, and the coin to flip — what could be more valuable?”

Offensive Player of the YearKirk Ireland
Ireland took home the award on the strength of his league-leading 14 touchdowns. “I’d like to point out that I beat Jin on a bunch of those”, he quipped.

Defensive Player of the YearJames Muir
Narrowly edging out league interception leader Ireland, Muir won the award on the strength of not getting burned by Jin every game.

Rookie of the YearMichael Liu
Michael was unable to be present to receive his award, but calamari was ordered in his honor.

Foreign Player of the YearJin Sun Kang
Ireland was particularly happy to find out that Kang could not attend, since he was afraid Jin might steal his lunch.

Kanata, ON — On a chilly -10°C day and on a snow covered Entrust Cryptography Field, the OFL finished off the 2010 season with a 27-6 victory by the Irish Stout over the expansion Co-Op Dragons. The 10-0 Stout closed out another undefeated season and claimed their fifth straight OFL championship. Admittedly, the expansion Dragons, while a plucky squad that never threw in the towel, simply lacked the gridiron experience of the defending champs. Today’s four on four battle came down to long-time OFL veterans Paul “TD Machine” McRae, James “Grizzly Adams” Muir, Kirk “I’ll Show You Some Defense” Ireland and Bevan “Looks Good In Warmups” Watkiss from the Irish Stout lining up against Carlos “Intercepted” Nahas, Marc “Intercepted” Jessome, Jin “Intercepted” Sun Kang, Michael “At Least _I_ Didn’t Get Intercepted” Liu and William “They Don’t Let Me Throw” Jia.

The game got off to a slow start as the Dragons punted and the Stout drove down to the goal line, but failed to score. Attempting to change their season-long fortunes, the Dragons mixed it up at QB with Jessome, Nahas, and Kang all taking snaps. Jessome’s attempt to hit Kang in the endzone was intercepted by Ireland and the Stout capitalized with completions down to the 1 yard line followed by an Ireland reverse to lead 6-0. Next, it was Kang’s turn to be picked off by Ireland, whose TD return was nullified by an early tag at midfield. McRae, however, threw to Muir for a TD followed by highlight reel catch by Ireland for the conversion and a 13-0 score.

The Dragons played tough defense and moved the ball on the Stout with long passes to Liu. Eventually, Jessome lofted a pass over the head of all the defenders that nestled into Liu’s arms for a score. Now at 13-6, the game was suddenly a nip-and-tuck affair. Watkiss, who had an outstanding practice, failed to hold on to a pair of TD throws, but Muir saved the day with a nifty catch in the left corner for a score. Watkiss, wide open in the middle of the endzone, held on to the convert and suddenly the score was 20-6 for the Stout. Yet another Ireland interception gave the ball back to the champs and they drove down to the 20 yard line. With a bit of razzle-dazzle, McRae tossed the ball to Ireland coming in motion then raced untouched to the endzone where Ireland found him for the TD. The last play of the 2010 season saw McRae throw a dart to Muir for the conversion and a 27-6 final.

The Co-Op Dragons held their heads high in defeat. “We got better every week,” said Kang, “But there is no substitute for playing together for years as the Stout have. Let’s get them out on the soccer pitch and kick their butts!”

The 38th straight victory by the Irish Stout sets a league record that is unlikely to be equaled. “Teams are improving all the time, it will be impossible to keep this up,” said elated Stout head coach McRae, “Given more experience, this athletic Dragon squad could easily beat us, but, thankfully, most of them are going back to school and we won’t have to play them again!”

BOX SCORE
December 9, 2010
Irish Stout 27, Co-Op Dragons 6

Passing
-------
McRae    2 TD, 3 PAT
Ireland  1 TD
Jessome  1 TD, 1 INT
Kang     1 INT
Nahas    1 INT

Receiving
---------
Muir     2 TD, 1 PAT
Liu      1 TD
McRae    1 TD
Ireland  1 PAT
Watkiss  1 PAT

Rushing
--------
Ireland  1 TD

Defense
--------
Ireland  3 INT

Kanata, ON — Amid the slop and mud of legendary Entrust Cryptography Field, a group of bedraggled, soaked, and cold OFL players squared off for week 9. The Irish Stout fielded Paul “I Can’t Grip a Wet Ball” McRae, James “Pass the Stickum” Muir, Kirk “Mud Doesn’t Show on a Black Jersey” Ireland and Bevan “Mudder” Watkiss while the Co-Op Dragons loaded up with Carlos “Dirty Jackal” Nahas, Peter “Wet Rabbit” Arseneau, Jin “I’m Even Fast In the Mud” Kang and, reluctantly, William “Hell No, I Won’t Go” Jia.

As expected, the play was as lousy as the weather. Passes fluttered out the the quarterback’s hands and slipped through the waiting arms of receivers while the contestants generally splashed around in the mud to no avail. McRae managed to hit Ireland on a pass down the middle early to set up a throw to Watkiss, who plucked the prolate spheroid out of the air with a grace and agility seldom seen from the big tight end. The conversion attempt was intercepted by Arseneau as the pass looped toward Muir in the wind and the rain. Following an interception of Nahas on the goal line by Ireland, the Stout again marched down the field and scored when Watkiss ignored the treacherous footing and snagged a McRae throw for a touchdown and a 12-0 lead. “I wish all the games were played like this,” he exclaimed excitedly, “It turns out these exceptionally large feet are good in the mud!”

A Muir interception of Nahas blunted another Dragon drive and McRae hit Muir with a TD toss to make the score 18-0. At this point, Jia had seen enough and retreated to the drier confines of the locker room. “I’m not standing out here in the rain and cold to get scored on,” he lamented, “I’m holding out for more money! And besides, these are my best pair of pants!”

This resulted in a strange twist where McRae took over quarterbacking duties for the Dragons on their last possession and drove them down into scoring range only to have a TD pass bounce off the large mitts of Nahas in the closing seconds. “I wanted to score badly, ” said McRae, “It would have been like what Bum Phillips said of Don Shula, ‘He can take his team and beat yours, then take your team and beat his.’”

BOX SCORE
December 1, 2010
Irish Stout 18, Co-Op Dragons 0

Passing
-------
McRae      3 TD, 1 INT
Nahas      2 INT

Receiving
---------
Watkiss    2 TD
Muir       1 TD

Defense
--------
Ireland    1 INT
Muir       1 INT
Arseneau   1 INT

Kanata, ON — After two weeks of substandard football, the OFL’s top team, the Irish Stout, put together a nearly flawless performance. Facing off against the expansion Co-Op Dragons, the Stout wasted no time racing out to a 20-0 lead and cruising to victory. Perhaps the Stout were buoyed by the addition of Ron “Randy Moss” Burman and Louis “Dropped Another One” Aubin. The squad was rounded out with regulars Paul “Remembered To Bring The Hotpockets” McRae, Bevan “I Can Suddenly Catch” Watkiss and Kirk “Even William Can Cover Me” Ireland. Notably missing from the Stout was tight end James Muir, who was double-booked with his knitting class. The Dragons lined up Peter “‘Stache” Arseneau, Marc “Stretch” Jessome, Jin “Deep Threat” Kang, Johnny “Toque” O’Connor, and William “I Can Cover Kirk With The Back Of My Head” Jia.

It was a chilly but sunny afternoon at historic Entrust Cryptography Field as the OFL kicked off week 8. The Stout won the toss, deferred, and the Dragons began at their 20. The Stout continued to play the same tough defense that characterized their performance over the past few weeks and the Dragons failed to score. McRae then lofted a TD to Watkiss and the big tight end made a nice catch for a 6-0 lead. A conversion to Ireland followed and just like that it was 7-0. Defense and efficient offense continued for the entire first half as McRae tossed TD’s to Burman and Aubin as well as a conversion to Watkiss for a 20-0 lead. During this sequence, Ireland also made a leaping interception of Arseneau as he tried to hit Jessome in the right corner of the endzone.

The wily Arseneau eventually did find Kang with a beautiful rainbow that landed over Kang’s right shoulder as a bewildered Aubin watched with bemusement. The Stout lead was shaved to 20-6, but McRae and the Stout were far from done as TD throws to Ireland and again to Watkiss coupled with a conversion to Burman ran the score to a total of 33 points. The Stout defense stiffened, especially shutdown corner Burman, who isolated on the dangerous Kang. “Darrelle Revis, eat your heart out, baby!” exclaimed Burman, “It’s Burman Island in the OFL!”

“We left a lot of points out on the field today,” analyzed a dejected Arseneau, “But we WILL rally and we WILL play good football!” Holding back a tear, Arseneau then left hastily for his regularly scheduled lunch with Dick Vermeil.

BOX SCORE
November 24, 2010
Irish Stout 33, Co-Op Dragons 6

Passing
-------
McRae      5 TD, 3 PAT
Arseneau   1 TD, 1 INT

Receiving
---------
Watkiss    2 TD, 1 PAT
Burman     1 TD, 1 PAT
Ireland    1 TD, 1 PAT
Aubin      1 TD
Kang       1 TD

Defense
--------
Ireland    1 INT

Kanata, ON — The defending champion Irish Stout looked anything but in barely defeating the expansion Co-Op Dragons 12-0 in this week’s OFL game. The Stout fielded most of their stalwarts, including Paul “The Mad Bomber” McRae, Kirk “Flash” Ireland, James “Smooth” Muir and Bevan “Hominid” Watkiss. The Dragon roster consisted of Peter “The Rabbit” Arseneau, Michael “Squid” Liu, Jin “Shifty” Kang and William “Hands of Stone” Jia.

The Dragons started with the ball, but as they would all day, failed to move it against a Stout defense that lived up to the nickname. McRae and the Stout fared no better. Finally, the Dragons mounted a drive highlighted by the quick passing of Arseneau to Kang. In range of the goal line, however, the Dragons trickeration resulted in disaster as the flea-flicker pitch to Jia resulted in an ill-advised toss that was intercepted by Muir in the Stout endzone. “Oh, I’m supposed to throw it to MY teammate,” said an astonished Jia after the game, “I still really haven’t figured out all the rules yet.”

Perhaps motivated by the turnover, the Stout marched the length of the field and finally dented the scoreboard with a McRae throw to Ireland for a 6-0 lead. Naturally, the conversion attempt was unsuccessful. As the game went on, it was clear the Football Gods were not smiling on Entrust Cryptography Field on this day as the quality of play seemingly set football back many decades. Out of bounds passes, ridiculously high throws, and poor routes marred the contest, highlighted, if that is the word, by an intended deep pass from McRae that went virtually straight up in the air and only a few yards forward. Even more bizarre was that the pass was actually caught by Ireland for a short gain rather than intercepted or falling incomplete. “It slipped!” exclaimed McRae, “I thought the Stickum was supposed to prevent this!”

Neither side exhibited a great deal of football skill or athleticism and the scoring concluded with a late touchdown pass from McRae to Muir to make the final 12-0. OFL Commissioner Paul McRae was unimpressed at the postgame press conference. “Our fans deserve better. The networks aren’t going to renew our contracts if we keep putting a product like this on the field.” Informed that the OFL does not and never has had a TV contract, McRae responded, “Well, we aren’t going to get one unless we play better!”

BOX SCORE
November 18, 2010
Irish Stout 12, Co-Op Dragons 0

Passing
-------
McRae      2 TD
Jia        1 INT

Receiving
---------
Ireland    1 TD
Muir       1 TD

Defense
--------
Muir       1 INT

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